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Google has announced that they have in fact gotten so out of control that they need a babysitter. The new company, Google Alphabet, will hold all of Google’s different hands, keep them from bolting off into traffic and getting hit by a Facebook GTR (I’m looking at you, G+) and allow the more creative kids play in the mud while the rest do their math homework.


This turn of events is not particularly shocking and is likely necessary as Google continues its inexorable march into complete world domination. The most shocking thing about it is that their oversight on domain names. I mean c’mon Google. Do a domain search before you name your company. This is business online 101. Now BMW is going to charge you a billion dollars for a domain name that honestly, they don’t even need.


Bad name choice for them is a great thing for me (and for you), because it gave me an excuse to come up with the Google Alphabet for your enjoyment.


The Google Alphabet

A is for all knowing, all powerful, all up in your stuff and you didn’t even know it.


B is for Bing. It does still exist. Shocking, I know.


C is for cat videos, for which YouTube should be forever grateful.


D is for design, into which they’ve put as little money as possible. 


E is for engineering new ways for us to find cat videos, cat gifs and cat memes. :3


F is for fail. Not often. Not noticeably. Except that one time….


G is for Google +. Refer to “F is for…”.


H is for helpful. Because those cat videos don’t find themselves and we can’t use work email to send them to our Google + friends.


I is for investors. Those lucky b*st*rds.


J is for job. Working for Google has become the ultimate for ambitious smarty-pantses. And for good reason.


K is for killing all companies that appear on Page 2 of Google search results. Truth.


L is for Loon. Never heard of it? That’s because it’s outta this world!! Hahahaha..haha. Okay I’m leaving…


M is for mmmmoney. Mmmmmmore mmmmmoney.


N is for nothing. As in most Google services cost you nothing…but your soul…mwahahahaha.


O is for oligopoly. Don’t know what that is? Google it.


P is for Panda. And Penguin. And Pirate. And Pigeon. And Panda Dance. And Phantom. I’m seeing a pattern. Alliteration is pleasing. Peace out.


Q is for questions. About your Google search history. So. Many. Questions….


R is for really cool invention you may have never heard about! Click here…


S is for shaking things up! Google changed the way we used the web and continues to drive innovation. Truth.


T is for terms and conditions. Did you read them? Have you ever read them? You know it says you agree to publicly post your Google search history if you ever leave Gmail, right? O.O


U is for umbrella. That’s what Google Alphabet is, a big umbrella under which Google will now store it’s hoards of cash. Article here in case you’re actually interested.


V is for verily, I saw that the internet created a giant of business, and verily, it was by doing good and not evil. We hope.


W is for WebGL, which I just found out about, and is totally cool. It may even be useful. Check it out here.


X is for X Lab, a research incubator with significant capital for the company to work on ‘moonshot’ projects. Maybe they’ll get the hover board right. All 90s kids are waiting….


Y is for YouTube finally turning a profit, even though they forced it to consort with Google +. For shame, Google. For shame.


Z is for zero. That’s the number of people that have never used Google as a verb.


Sing along and Google on, my internet friends. Google on.


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